Lime glazed pork spare ribs

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a poor little goddess who was held captive by the evil and terrible Chronic Acid Reflux monster. This monster held her captive for years, barring her from the joys of Pork and All Pork Products.

Occasionally she would forget the evil monster's hold over her, especially at Xmas, and she would frollick gaily with Roast Pork and Crackling. But the evil Acid Reflux Monster was a jealous guardian, and would make her pay for her fleeting moments of illicit love with HOURS AND HOURS of excruciating pain. Many Proton Pump Inhibitors tried to wrastle the evil monster into submission, but to no avail.

So, for many years, the poor little goddess looked on tragically while others around her swooned and raved over the joys that are Pork and All Pork Products.


Then one day, a Knight In Shining Armour came to the little goddess (Dr John Colman, gastroenterologist, 9548 2833) and told her where she could get a magic pill (well a whole lot of magic pills, actually) and said to her "Little Goddess, I know the secret name of the Acid Reflux Monster, and if you take this magic pill and say the Monster's real name, it will leave you alone for ever and you and Pork and All Pork Products can live happily ever after!"

So the little goddess thanked Dr John and went to Miracle Max to get the magic tablets.

Later that night, she sat in her kitchen, remembering all the vile pain and evil wretchedness the Acid Reflux Monster had wrought on her tender body over the years. She steeled herself, girded her loins, took the first of the magic pills and yelled mightily into the gloaming..

"Helicobactor pylori!!!!"

For a week, the Monster wrested with the magic pills, leaving the little goddess feeling rather wan, and oft wondering whether the occasional bout of reflux wasn't somehow better than the constant roiling nausea, but she bravely persevered.

And eventually, one day, she heard again the siren call of Pork and Pork Products (in the form of slow braised pork belly) and ran willingly into its warm unctuous embrace, never ever again to be tormented by the jealousy of Helicobacter pylori.

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER