Dis-Ease.

There's a trendy new one coined every day, or so it seems. Road rage is SOOOO last millennium.. the latest too-have disease is Phone rage. Wanting to reach through the receiver and rip the jugular out of the pillock on the other end, wanting to tell you all about the benefits of their new mobile phone plan.

Ha!!

What about ADHAD?

No, not the REAL disorder related to hyperactivity.. I mean Advertising Heightened Audio Disorder. The syndrome by which you just KNOW that ads are markedly louder than the preceding programme, but are unable to prove it.

Or PCOS?

Nothing to do with ovaries.. it's People Chatting out of Setting.. a disorder daily put up with by receptionists and check-out chicks everywhere, by which the sufferers actually thing you MEAN it when you ask "so, how's your day?", and proceed to tell you. In excruciating detail.

I discovered this weekend I am afflicted by the most heinous of these new syndromes.

Tolerance Intolerance.

As you might remember, dear reader, I have given up the smokes.. 8 weeks now and counting. My desire to bite the heads off live toddlers a-la Ozzy is waning. I no longer stalk smokers around my local shops, madly sniffing their wake like a scent hound... or a crazed middle-aged psychic reading their aura.

BUT.. I am still a little needy. A little snappy, if you will. A little quick to anger. To bridle.

And it's Xmas. My most un-loved holiday of the year. And I recently took a nasty fall and am dealing with a fractured rib.

So while traipsing around The Glen, looking for presents for people I don't actually like, spending money on things that I wouldn't personally be caught dead with, dealing with my desire to furtively lick the neck of the not-particularly attractive older male smoker in front of me, I decided that I am most definitely a suffer of Tolerance Intolerance.

I don't wish good will to all men. I am more likely to wish you "Happy Eugenics, and thanks for removing yourself from the gene pool". Silent Night? I don't think so, Bubka.. You ever tried living on a main road in "Drunken Idiot leaves Xmas Party at 4am and thinks he's Fangio" season?

Away in a Manger? If only, but Furry got retrenched last Friday, so it will be more like "Away in the Lounge Room" for OUR holiday this year.


We Three Kings From Orient Are, in our house, We three Gift Vouchers from K-mart Are.

Bah Humbug.

So when you ring me/email me/ send me a holiday card, and I reply like Doberman with 'roid rage, please remember.. it's not me. I am just suffering an acute and seasonal form of Tolerance Intolerance.

And depending on the lag between the festive bunting coming down and the East Eggs going up, it could be a few months before my syndrome is under control.