Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Dis-Ease.

There's a trendy new one coined every day, or so it seems. Road rage is SOOOO last millennium.. the latest too-have disease is Phone rage. Wanting to reach through the receiver and rip the jugular out of the pillock on the other end, wanting to tell you all about the benefits of their new mobile phone plan.

Ha!!

What about ADHAD?

No, not the REAL disorder related to hyperactivity.. I mean Advertising Heightened Audio Disorder. The syndrome by which you just KNOW that ads are markedly louder than the preceding programme, but are unable to prove it.

Or PCOS?

Nothing to do with ovaries.. it's People Chatting out of Setting.. a disorder daily put up with by receptionists and check-out chicks everywhere, by which the sufferers actually thing you MEAN it when you ask "so, how's your day?", and proceed to tell you. In excruciating detail.

I discovered this weekend I am afflicted by the most heinous of these new syndromes.

Tolerance Intolerance.

As you might remember, dear reader, I have given up the smokes.. 8 weeks now and counting. My desire to bite the heads off live toddlers a-la Ozzy is waning. I no longer stalk smokers around my local shops, madly sniffing their wake like a scent hound... or a crazed middle-aged psychic reading their aura.

BUT.. I am still a little needy. A little snappy, if you will. A little quick to anger. To bridle.

And it's Xmas. My most un-loved holiday of the year. And I recently took a nasty fall and am dealing with a fractured rib.

So while traipsing around The Glen, looking for presents for people I don't actually like, spending money on things that I wouldn't personally be caught dead with, dealing with my desire to furtively lick the neck of the not-particularly attractive older male smoker in front of me, I decided that I am most definitely a suffer of Tolerance Intolerance.

I don't wish good will to all men. I am more likely to wish you "Happy Eugenics, and thanks for removing yourself from the gene pool". Silent Night? I don't think so, Bubka.. You ever tried living on a main road in "Drunken Idiot leaves Xmas Party at 4am and thinks he's Fangio" season?

Away in a Manger? If only, but Furry got retrenched last Friday, so it will be more like "Away in the Lounge Room" for OUR holiday this year.


We Three Kings From Orient Are, in our house, We three Gift Vouchers from K-mart Are.

Bah Humbug.

So when you ring me/email me/ send me a holiday card, and I reply like Doberman with 'roid rage, please remember.. it's not me. I am just suffering an acute and seasonal form of Tolerance Intolerance.

And depending on the lag between the festive bunting coming down and the East Eggs going up, it could be a few months before my syndrome is under control.

6 comments:

Zoe said...

Sorry to hear about that blow for Furry.

I'm giving up fags too, so having said that I'll just eff off.

xx

purple goddess said...

Zoe,

Are ya going cold turkey, or are you using anything? We got scripts for Champax, and it was awesome... The only cravings we had were habitual ones.. still pretty grim, but it helped a lot.

Good luck... I'm here if ya need a cheer squad.

;)

Griffin said...

Actually in the Unexpurgated Version of the Bible the three Wise Men did bring gift tokens for two reasons: first off what exactly do you get for the SonnaGahd and secondly, they weren't wise for nothing, so kept their cash to spend on the horses.

Sorry to hear about you breaking bits. You really have to stop playing extreme sports... or did you get it from inhaling a smoker's smoke a little too closely?!

You forgot BOAIWWTP or Bugger Orf Adverts I Wanna Watch The Programme. We always say orf in the UK, it's how the Queen speaks dayncha knay.

Ed said...

Yes, bah humbug. One of us was made redundant too. Well that's what they can call it post John Howard's Work Choices. Tempted to cancel the tickets to India but I reckon it will be cheaper to be there than here for a month. Perhaps in the new year we should have the Bloggers F-ing (as in frugal) Banquet.

Jazz said...

Poor Peej. Look at the bright side Love, at least it isn't winter and twenty below in your parts. Damn, I wish I could move to Oz.

And next year just opt out of Christmas. Tell all those people you don't much want to be buying presents for that the money is going to charity.

Bonus 1: Makes your life much easier.

Bonus 2: If they don't like it they won't dare say a word since it would make them look evil. You get the last laugh.

Furry said...

At least I'm in the xmas spirit


Drinks this year are at the Bar Humbug!


Now I'm off to find something in a stylish large calibre, high cyclic rate & a decent magazine capacity .................................

WHAT! They don't have a listing on EBay for Mini guns!

"HEY SANTA, HERE'S WHAT I WANT FOR XMAS!"