Wednesday 4 February 2009

Fear and Self-loathing in SpringVegas.

THIS is what is sitting in my 'fridge, for my lunch today. Pretty hot, hey?? Pretty sexy?? Pretty me.. you know, the whole fresh/local/SOLE/Asian with a twist thing that pg does so well. Yup. It's perfect, and given that Furry and I are trying to lose weight, perfect on the fat/lo cal front too.

See, here's the thing. I can't work out WHY I am hating myself at this weight so much. The very fact I am experiencing self-loathing for the very first time, at 44 is weird.

At school, I was the odd girl out. I was the only one that DIDN'T have an eating disorder. I managed to avoid the teen age angst of yo-yo diets and Israeli Army lunch boxes. I ate whatever I pleased and stayed the same size (9st 2oz).

Then I had my children. And over the course of 5 years, I doubled my weight. But I had discovered feminism by that stage, and so the weight gain bothered me on a health level, but certainly NEVER on a physical "I repulse myself/ I am not attractive/ my husband won't like me" level.

My husband at the time actually DIDN'T like me, but that a whole 'nother post!

I gave up the 2 a night wine, and cut out sugar in my coffee and within months, was at a healthy weight range (AUS size 12), which I maintained with no effort until the day my daughter started high school. I was wearing her size 12 jeans that day.

That was years ago. And in the interim, I've been divorced, re-married, turned 30.. turned 40. I navigated my daughter through her own minefield of adolescence and PCOS. And yes, my weight has fluctuated but never once did I experience anything like the self hatred I am going through at the moment.


I feel like I went to bed some time last October (the month I gave up smoking) and woke up being anally probed by fat-firing alien gamma beams.

No matter what I eat, I continue to put on weight. I can feel myself physically spreading before mein very eyes.

This is not just middle-aged spread, or a bit of a muffin-top. This is hard core McValue Upsize Supersize Mc Muffin Muffin Top (Royale, with Cheese)

I can no longer fit into most of my clothes, and went on a week long crying jag over Summer, when I realised that I simply HAD to buy a pair of elastic waisted pants.

Come on.. this is me.. PG.. Self-esteem Girl... the one all my friends look up to BECAUSE I REALLY DON"T CARE about my weight... crying like Tammy Fae Bakker over the numerals one and eight.

When I wear low waisted jeans I look like a warfie, or a garbo. And when I wear higher waisted work pants, I develop this weird double-bulge. Like twee English villages, I have named them Upper Pork-Gut and Lower Pube Porch.

Anapurna I and II are currently residing in my hideous new bra, fashioned by ex- Nazi industrial engineers. I refer to it as the Spandex Monster, and it makes me feel about as sexy as an outbreak of smallpox.

And the other symptom that I am noticing, is the fatter and more repulsive I get, the more I crave crap.

While the above lo fat dish is sitting in my 'fridge, I am fighting the urge to slam my face into the tub of leftover Pizza Hut Oven Baked Creamy Pasta that some pillock has left in the 'fridge.

Seriously, I had this reaction after Furry's heart attack. While he was lying in the cardiac ward, I had craving after craving for KFC. And this time, it's the same. The fatter I get, the harder it is to resist racing out and buying a Chicko Roll.

I will NOT go back to smoking. But any head way I have made, health-wise, by giving up the fags, has been eaten up by this massive and continuous and UNEXPLAINED weight gain.

I look like the love child of Jabba the Hut and Demis Roussos.

I'm on Fat Highway, heading North.

And, for the first time ever, I feel like the fat chick at the school dance.

And I am certain that everyone is looking. And sniggering.

I fucking hate it.


Ran said...

i know the feeling. i have always eaten what i wanted and been ok. but for some reason since i got married i really have put on weight. and around my tummy which i never used to. I know now i have PCOS but i still dont think that is an excuse. i basically try to pretend it isnt happening. food is too good not to eat! and while i dont go near fast food (except the odd pie) i am still putting on weight. might be the homemade brad that has to have butter. or the chocolate. or the cheese.

this might sound condesceding, and i dont mean it to at all, but last year i lost 4kg in a month by using this website -

i didnt keep it up because xmas came along and now i am trying to ignore it, but it did show me where i was going wrong.

BTW, I am sure you are not as big as you think you are, women love overinflating it in their heads.

stickyfingers said...

I hear you sister. I feel your pain. I bet tons of us are experiencing the same thing.

In my case I'm putting it down to the 40+ hormones and my own battle with PCOS.

On top of insulin related weight gain I'm now bleaching my whole bloody face because my temples are having a race downwards to have a love in with my eyebrows - which in turn need hedge pruners to manage them. A moustache has appeared and a Fu Machu beard to complement my fat oriental features.

The boobs require their own post code. I feel as though they enter the room long before the rest of me.

So I'm having some herbal treatment from my Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner and I have to say that although my symptoms will not change for at least another month, my equilibrium is better. The self loathing is disappearing along with the confusion and "like-totally-bimbo-retard" days. I'm now fretting less about it all and more enthused to exercise.

We. Will. Prevail!

purple goddess said...

Man, I thought it was just me!!!

What the fark is going on??

Maybe it's something in the water supply.

I have never really needed.. or chosen to diet, so at 44, this is all pretty new.

What farks me off, most of all, is that rolley trooley, there are have been no changes to my diet. This weight is just appreaing out of nowhere.


Anonymous said...

raw baby rawrrrrr!!!! just let me know if you want help. love you bigtime xxx sg

Griffin said...

Yeah, but inside you are still the Purpley Goddess we know and love.

There is often weight gain after smoking. Eat purer and better and exercise more... I hate to say this, but actually there is no way around it (sigh) the exercise bit is very much key. Fight the urges to fall back into the habit of stress-gobbling and resist.

"Like twee English villages, I have named them Upper Pork-Gut and Lower Pube Porch."

Upper Pork-Gut is a small American town in the midwest as indeed is Lower Pube Porch. Twee English Villages are called things like Kirk Hallam and Kingston Bagpuisz (pronounced Bagpuss. I kid you not).

'Ere, and another thing... stop slagging off the Purple Goddess you! She is a much loved, fab, funny, wunder-cookie, who has been through lots and survived plenty. She, like the Dude, abides.

Ed Charles said...

I sometimes feel the same although obviously I haven't given birth to kids. try a couple of months off on cheap independent travel in SE Asia. The advantage is that you will eat (no snacking) and drink (no bingeing) less and walk around more (don't take taxis). Just 4 weeks in India with no shits and I must have lost 10kg, ditto vietnam and Cambodia.

Zoe said...

Not even to mention the diahhorrea, right, Ed? *runs, ducks*

pg, my old meditation teacher told me that in Eastern medicine, the fags were seen to be a means of pushing down grief, and that we often use carb-rich foods to sop up grief. I found this entirely unhelpful, and expect you will too, but thought you might like a giggle.((((pg)))

thanh7580 said...

I think this unexplained weight gain thing is spreading. I was eating the same as previously but started to stack on the weight.

I've since joined the gym and have been really good and gone 4-5 times a week for two months now. I feel a lot better and the muscles are getting firmer.

Just drop into your local gym and sign up PG. That's what I did, just drove by one day and signed up on the spot.

Jazz said...

Well hell, if you're heading north, just stop by my place, we'll have a pizza.

Apparently, once you hit 40, your metabolism slows down by about 10% a year and you have to adjust your eating accordingly. I refuse to believe it's that much, 'cause it means by the time I'm 70 I'll be eating only a carrot stick a day. It's no fun getting old.

Charlotte said...

Your a bright,confident wife and mother. So just think of this as your wake up call to STOP worrying about situations in life that your powerless to change.

Worry is nothing more than a useless waste of time and energy that meant to rob you of your inner peace and physical health.

So as Cher said to Nicholas Cage in the movie MOONSTRUCK: "Snap out of it" Because the first step to any victory in life is to recognize the enemy that is trying to steal your joy.

Remember that "God wants us to be victors, not victims; to grow, not grovel; to soar, not sink; to over come, and not be overwhelmed!" (William Arthur Ward)

purple goddess said...

SG, I'll never go totally raw, I does like dead animals, grilled by fire, far too much.. but the weird thing is that we've been mainlining salads most of the summer, and I've still put on the lard.


Yeah, I knew there's be weight gain, but this is ridiculous!! Any more and they won't be small Mid West towns, they will be thriving metropolises (metropoli??)But yes, I am still the pg y'all know and love!!


you are right. In 2001 I lost 7kgs in 4 weeks. I was in Scotland and Ireland, playing golf, and I just walked everywhere. Despite the bacon and egg breakies, the chip butties, the Forfar bridies and stovies, I lost weight simply by moving more.


yes, completely unhelpful.. but very VERY Zen. I will meditate on it and err.. get back to you.


So it's not just a chick thing?? And again.. yes... I just gotta move more.


I'd love a pizza with you darl. And then we'll walk to the end of Dromana Pier, to excercise it off, yes??


Thanks for dropping by. But this?? This I CAN change. And boy, do I intend to.

Thanks for all the love, loves!

Anonymous said...

was thinking about you this morning babe, and i know you are eating the same since giving up the fags, but what about the drink? to cut back on ... booze, bread, pasta and dairy, and shag the furry one more ... will work for ya - my suggestion. xxxxxx (and yeah, i know you love the dead animals) SG

Gena said...

Be nicer to yourself! You can't go around talking to a goddess like that. A goddess by her very nature is cool and speak in affirmation of their greatness.

If a goddess won't love her form who will? Plus, you do know there is a whole bunch of dudes that like women with meat on the bone. Know that they worship you from a distance. Either way the universe has got you covered.

So when in doubt you are a great goddess with muffins. Embrace and love the muffins until you are ready to send them on your way.

In the meantime enjoy your meal and savor your divinity.

Ran said...

I think people are getting PCOS because of air pollution. My mother had 8 sisters and none of them had it but so many of their children do. and we all eat really healthily and didnt grow up eating junk.

Griffin said...

Petal, I am looking, but I am not sniggering. As Gena says, you are the goddess of muffins. Soon you will be the goddess of well something else.

So long as you are healthy, so long as Monsieur Furry loves you, who gives a monkey's what others think. Badgers nadgers to them wot snigger.

Anonymous said...

G'day PG, I turm my back for a nano second & comeback to this!
There have been some great suggestions from everyone so I'll add my two bob worth if thats OK.
Three years ago we did the csiro diet thingy. No shit we both lost heaps of weight (I 13kgs & she 8kgs) & became much fitter all round.
Downside was that its very heavily meat focused for the protein, which can be exxy but also not good if you dont like/eat meat.
However if I could distill it into a soundbite I'd say for me at least it worked because of: No carbs after 3pm, lowered our sugar intake dramatically, cut the fat of every friggin thing, ate smaller portions & combined it all with excercise. It worked.
However like all good yarns theres another side. I got cocky being a svelte wisp of a thing & started back on my old ways until BINGO, I'm now like jabba the hut's fatter brother!
So dont listen to a worrd I say!

Ali-K said...

Ha, PG the great thing is that you're still finding humour, as evident by your post. With that attitude I'm sure you'll be fine, it might just a long road. There's lots of comments about not worrying what everyone else thinks which is true, but it doesn't sound like you are. Just sounds like you're unhappy with yourself for yourself. So your motivations are in the right spot.
Keep going, especially as the weather is now getting kinder to exercisers (eg not so hot).