Food Porn.. Or.. Maggie Beer versus Reality.

I love Maggie, I really do. I worship her. She is the sun around which the star of my future revolves.

Seriously. I want to have that woman’s love child.

I could watch her cook for hours, enraptured.. Just the way Furry can watch Angelina Jolie…

BUT….

Who cooks like that?? Seriously???

Maybe for a dinner party, yup.. I’ll go out and blow $20 on a can of imported larks vomit.. but for every day dinners???

Who REALLY has a cup of rendered duck fat in the fridge (well, actually, I do at the moment after the Great Springvale Duck Purchase of last month, but that’s a whole ‘nother post)

I like Kylie, too.. man, she’s got the food porn thing down pat… I get a bit unnecessary when I watch her (again, the way Furry does with Angelina… or Boat Point Dot Com, come to think of it)

But who REALLY wants to hand grind 43 different spices, release the aroma of them all individually and then strain them through a sieve made from the caul of an organic, free range vegetarian alpaca.

Here’s what I want.. my own TV programme.. PG leaves work at 5.. camera’s follow her every move… The boom gates at Springvale are down, so she misses the butcher, buggering up her plans to cook boef a la Maggie Beer… Safeway is open, tho, so PG has to wrestle with her conscious as she’s buying non-carbon-foot-print-friendly meat.

But hey.. it’s convenient, and I’m running late..

Camera pans to trolley, some gas-packed rump, a few tomatoes, a head of celery and **shock, HORREUR** a jar of McCormick’s “Cajun Spice”

(the anticipation of Aristos jumping out at the check out is palpable)

Camera follows PG back to The House of Fur and Purple Lerve, where the first hurdle is getting the food in the house while not tripping over the dogs… 3 out of 5 kids descend on her. One needs $35 for a hot dog day, one need to be driven to footy practice, and one has just broken up with her boyfriend AGAIN. The other 2 are experiencing Nintendo psychosis in the privacy of their bedroom.

Camera pans to Furry who has just arrived home, and who’s had a crappy day at work.

PG attempts to provide some form of nutritional food for her family using the above ingredients, as shabby as they are. Madame Mouse announces she’s given up meat on moral grounds, Lima Bean mainlined a jar of Nutella at 5.00, Ya Ya is too heartbroken to eat. Furry had Chinese take away for lunch and only wants a sammich.

PG sulkily cooks ingredients while talking a friend thru her latest marital crisis. Camera pulls back for wide shot, exposing the fact that the dogs are grooming each other on the kitchen floor.

Dinner is finally served to PG alone. The rest is dolloped into random empty Chinese take way containers and frozen.

Camera fades to back on image of Pg, exeunt-ing stage left towards bedroom, clock on the wall reads 9.30pm and Furry and kids ringing the local dial-a-Staph, because now… THEY’RE STAAAAAAAAARVING.

Maybe Maggie et al really ARE like porn… It’s exciting to watch, it gets your juices flowing, but REALLY.. who wants to get it “awn” like that on a Wednesday night in the middle of Winter, with a house full of kids.

I’m saving my stuffed lark’s intestines al la Maggie, for a Sat night when the kids are all away.

And we’ll eat it leisurely while watching some Angelina…