Wednesday 24 October 2007

Getting nervous....

Gulp... The Bloggers Banquet!!!! What will I cook?? Oh my Goddess!!! I'm totally like cooking for people likes Ed and Elliot and Sticki. Cripes!! They'll find out I'm a fraud! Who am I to think I can cook?? I'm just a fat, middle aged suburban mum! This is too much!I'll fail. They'll hate my food. They'll hate me! What the hell am I going to cook for REAL foodies and gastronauts? Umm... is it too late to find a wow-them recipe that DOES include larks vomit? I bet people like them eat it all the time. On toast. For breakfast. With foie gras.

Maybe I can beg off? Nah.. I want to go.. but... but... what do I bring??

I bet they'll all be bringing things like organic truffled scallops stuffed with baby goat glands, served on antique china.

China!!! I need new serving platters!!! I can't serve ANYTHING on my crappy old plates. They'll laugh. Maybe KMH can send me some stuff. SHE'D know what REAL COOKS serve on.

Here's an idea. I'll get Shira Nui to do me up a sushi platter and pass it off as mu own. No, I'd never do that.



Quick! I have to start making better food. My food is crap. I am a failure in the kitchen. No-one is going to like my food. Oh! How did I ever get myself into this?? I'm throwing out the strog I made for dinner. I need time to experiment. Quick!! Race up to Safeway and get me some imported carbon neutral organic Non GM pigeon spleens. And a new mandolin slicer. This one is crap. I need to practice making real food.

No!!! No!!! Not pigeon spleens, WHALE MEAT!!! I bet no-one knows anything about Icelandic food!!!! THAT'S IT!!! I'll get a cuisine no-one knows anything about and pass myself off as an expert. That way no-one will know what a complete fraud I am!!

I am brilliant!!!

Whale meat with... with... umm.... Icelandic Vodka. Furry, pop by Dan Murphy's after you get the whale blubber from Coles, ok?? And some juniper berries. They're pretty "icelandic" aren't they??

You think I can get some yak's testicles to go with that?? THAT would really impress them!!!

And I'll serve it in individual bowls hollowed out from reindeer antlers!!!

Furry??? FURRY!!!!??? Where's your lathe??


stickyfingers said...

Woman - you crack me up! Picture this: a bunch of daft foodie people scratching their heads as how to crank up fire without he-man Furry.

Love your work.

You have a knowlege of food beyond that of any sububan mum I know.For me anything made with soul that's simple, fresh and unconvoluted is the path to gastronomic happiness. Whatever works for you at home, works anywhere.

BTW I think the consensus is pizza and cakes with salad. If the oven fails us we'll get takeaways from I Carusi. I'll pad things out by bringing some other stuff like a roasting tray loaded with onion, tomatoes and fennel to add to the fire and some fish to throw on top for the vegaquarians.

I'm curious to know what tips you picked up for the oven on the weekend....?

purple goddess said...

so, hand-lathes bowl of reindeer horn, filled with pureed yaks testicles is out??

I'm shattered :(

I was actually going to do nice big chunks of pasta dura, drizzled with OO and topped with pesto and baby bocs, heated in the oven. And I thought I'd showcase my balsamic reduction by pouring it over strawberries.

AS for the tips, they were more about getting a longer fire time out of the oven, and what wood to use, rather than cooking tips. Our oven only has a firing time of about 4 hours, and Ted was giving us some ideas on how we can get up to 24 out of it.

Unfortunately Ted's suggestions will also cost many dollarie-bucks which have been earmarked for enviro-friendly airconditioning for this summer, so they may have to wait.

Anonymous said...


You do this all the time .......

I'm cupping your face .....

Looking into your eyes ......

"Honey, HONEY .... breathe .... BREATHE ..... you're getting over stimulated .... Honey ... HONEY .... you're over wogging again".

And your answer, AGAIN, is simple. Cook like you do at home for me.

They'll love it!

PS if anyone gives you shit, there's always "fluffy" who loves to chat ....


grocer said...

i hope i can say this on your blog but


on another note, I am really impressed that I got a mention on this post!!!

tell me what date the bloggers banquet is, and if you seriously want to chat about what to do, email me. I personally think that as there is a woodfired oven at your disposal there are a couple of excellent options.

pared back pizza - that is limit the toppings to 2-3 plus base and salsa OR get stuck into some glenloth poultry in the woodfire oven with some lemon and oregano, or whatever else you find in your back yard (but not the dog poo!)...

you are fantastic!!!

and if you want to know what average middle age women do, go and look at
GEEZ that place is losing curry with me every day

purple goddess said...

If you have any suggesyions, I'd love to hear them, G. I thought I'd go with some crusty pasta dura style bread, bought on the day from my little Viet grocer, and then do some various toppings.

I've done that in our oven and it worked a treat!!

Taste is **ahem** been a learning curve.

Hit me with your best shots!

grocer said...

the FO but was a bit out of line. i just meant give us a break, you are clearly a capable woman!

do what you think you do best and that is relatively transportable. i still think you should do pizzas... but that's because a good pizza is hard to find in my neck of the concrete woods.

what's the date?

Jon! said...

hehe! You really got me laughing this morning. What a fantastic little blog you have going here. You write really well, and I am sure that they would love anything you bring along.

I am thinking of bringing along a simple oven baked risotto with organic chicken legs – an adaptation of my grandmothers recipe – simple and tasty. I might bring along a simple dessert as well.

Look forward to meeting you at the banquet and keep up the good work ☺

Cheers, Jon! (Melbourne Foodie)

purple goddess said...

G, I took the Fo in the spirit in which it was intended!!!

While people like you and stiki make me think with your insightful and thought-provoking posts, I feel I need to play the Jester.

But really, when I started this little blog, I had no idea where it would take me. And it's taken me to places this middle-aged suburban mum could never have imagined!!!!

I know my food will hold it's own. But the food-obsessive in me gets all like, totally "wow, I'm hangin' with BIG people now!!!"


And, thanks for stopping by Jon.. looking forward to seeing you at the Banquet!!!

grocer said...

cut the middle aged suburban mum cr@p!!! you are starting to sound like my mother (who by the way is also perfectly capable if not a little ditzy)!

you have nothing to prove, just be yourself - jester or not. you have a style that is funny whether you play up to it or not.


purple goddess said...

Mon 12th Nov.

pg, suitably chastened.... ;)