Friday 2 November 2007

Delicious coffee regurgitated by weasels

"This amazing coffee is so rare and so astonishing, even Gareth Hunt would be shaking his beans in disbelief! Why? Well, as the name sort of (well, it doesn't really) suggests, Weasel coffee has been eaten and regurgitated by rare Vietnamese weasels! Honestly! As you can imagine, the weasels' gastric goings-on radically alter the taste of the coffee and the result is a stronger, smoother, heady flavoured coffee that will appeal to serious connoisseurs of the mighty bean. Once 'evacuated' by the bean-loving fur balls, the coffee is collected by eagle-eyed villagers, who then market the stuff directly to the manufacturers.

A weasel, yesterday

This richly refreshing coffee is great news in PR terms for the poor old weasel, as the much-maligned creature is frequently (and erroneously) associated with treachery and deceit. In fact, a quick look in the dictionary reveals that, as well as describing a small carnivore, the word weasel can also be used to depict a person who is sly, perfidious and double-crossing.

And anyone who recalls the naughty weasels in Roger Rabbit will remember that they were portrayed as a bunch of cowardly sidekicks who bore more than a passing resemblance to Dean Gaffney. All of which is a great pity, because if it weren't for these furtive little fellows you'd never be able to enjoy the strange but refreshing delights of Weasel Coffee.

Weasel Coffee is great for serving post dinner-party - of course, telling the guests about its production process is strictly optional, but we recommend you spill the beans (boom boom) after they've consumed it - and it also makes a great conversation piece in the office coffee-making area. So don't try weaselling out of it, order yours today! It's totally safe, totally sterilised and totally delicious. Pass the biscuits. (No weasels were harmed during the making of this coffee)."


And only 16 quid!!!

Please someone, tell me it isn't so...

But wait.. there's more...

Monkey Picked Tea

Why not paws for a cuppa?
Image of Monkey Picked Tea

"Everyone loves a good old cup of Rosie Lee, but there are times when bog standard builder's tea simply won't do. After all, we doubt the Queen chucks a couple of bags of Typhoo in the pot when she's having visiting dignitaries round for a few cucumber sarnies. The only problem is, unless you've got a double-barrelled name and your palate is as pretentious as your hyphen, poncey brews like Earl Grey and Darjeeling just don't hit the spot. What's more, posh tea is hardly likely to get your guests in a lather of excitement.

That's why your good friends here at Firebox finally decided to seek out a decidedly different brew to enliven your elevenses and transform your tea breaks. And by Jiminy, have we found one!


Monkey Picked Tea is a wonderfully refreshing brew that has been hand - or rather paw - picked by monkeys! Do not adjust your computer - you read it right the first time. These well cared for monkeys are famous in their native China and are specially trained by their owners to pick rare, wild tea plants in inaccessible places, such as cliff faces. The monkey-picked leaves produce a pale, golden tea that's so fragrant and delicious it's best served without milk. Or sugar. Or biscuits. Or cake. The point being, drinking Monkey Tea should be viewed as an important spiritual event, not to be sullied by crass diversions.

Monkey loves his tea

Best of all, the monkeys enjoy their work. Picking tea is a family business for most of these resourceful little simians, as their parents before them were usually in the tea picking trade too. And let's face it, scurrying around in the great outdoors harvesting Asia's favourite drink is a far more dignified way to earn a living than prancing around on a barrel-organ in a grubby, ill-fitting clown's suit. Monkey Tea is guaranteed to get tongues wagging and mouths watering the minute you mention it, so put the kettle on and order some today."

And how about:

Civet Coffee (Kopi Luwak)

Rich pickings

Image of Civet Coffee (Kopi Luwak)

"Thanks to the coffee culture explosion, connoisseurs are now proactively seeking new twists on their beloved bean-based beverage. Cappa-this, frappa-that, double mocca doodah - the permutations are endless.

But despite all the commotion surrounding these newfangled concoctions, it's gonna take more than a few choccy sprinkles and an injection of hot milk to get us frothing with excitement. And that's exactly what we told our roving product scouts when they returned from the depths of the Indonesian jungle claiming to have found the most extraordinary coffee in the world.

Civet Coffee (Kopi Luwak) Following a brief explanation and a quick sip of the stuff we were asking our charlady if she could muster up a few slices of humble pie, because Civet Coffee, also known as Kopi Luwak, is indeed the most astonishingly different coffee we've ever tasted.

Civet Coffee (Kopi Luwak)Only about 500 kilos of this blend is collected per year, making it the ultimate in exclusivity and rarity. And when we tell you where the beans have, er, been, you'll understand why. You see the primary reason for Civet Coffee's distinctive taste is that it's been partially fermented by passing through the digestive system of a Sumatran Civet Cat. No, really!

Civet Coffee (Kopi Luwak)
Basically this feral feline prowls Sumatran coffee plantations at night, choosing to eat only the finest, ripest cherries. The stones (which eventually form coffee beans) are then collected by sifting through the Civet's number twos.

Revered for its luscious chocolatey flavour Civet Coffee is totally safe, totally sterilised and totally delicious. Plus there's no discernable aftertaste.

Native Sumatrans consider this to be the finest coffee in the world, and it really is the ultimate brew to serve to all those annoying Johnny-come-lately coffee shop connoisseurs. Of course, telling them where it comes from is completely optional. Put the kettle on!"

After my SOLE food post of last month, I am really REALLy beginning to wonder about the state of our world...


sra said...

Ha ha, I'd read about civet cat coffee but not about the weasel. I guess the world needs to find novelty somewhere, somehow!

stickyfingers said...

I wonder how the monkey's know which leaves to pluck? I think I prefer mine local or otherwise plucked by the the Sinhalese women in jewelled coloured sari's that I met in the highlands of Sri Lanka.

I'm all for recycling though - LOL! I drank Civet Cat coffee in Vietnam, and according to the locals, weasel and civet coffee is the same. The animal feeds on the fruit of the bushes but cannot digest the bean, so it passes into the excrement.

Although it can cost up to $50 a cup in NYC and Peking, it's dirt cheap in Indonesia and Vietnam because traditionally locals couldn't afford to buy regular beans, all they could do was scrounge through the pooh of these possum looking creatures for undigested beans. Turns out they've had the last laugh.

In Africa, I have read that you drink coffee from beans that have passed through the guts of goats. Same-same-but different.

I wonder, if you gave an elephant a ton of the fruit, what kind of havoc you could create? Would it be like giving them a few dozen cans of V or Red Bull? And would it taste better if they were jockeyed by monkeys?

Vida said...

Almost, not quite, but almost makes me consider instant!!! I hope Las Chicas never change their brand... Vida x

purple goddess said...

"I wonder, if you gave an elephant a ton of the fruit, what kind of havoc you could create? Would it be like giving them a few dozen cans of V or Red Bull? And would it taste better if they were jockeyed by monkeys?"

Bull elephants with a java jones.

Stiki, the way your mind works SCARES me sometimes!!!

Anonymous said...

Ahhh yes. A Civet Poo Bevy. There's an entry about that in my Encyclopedia de Caca. I'll dig it out later today.

grocer said...

obviously I am far more dull than you lot. I had never heard of scat coffee!

we did however learn at university in quantitative ecology that there are certain species of plants that must pass through the digestive system of certain species of animal to germinate (a bit hazy here but something like ring tail possum and a species of banksia as an example...???)

so we went of field trips looking for poo to work out what animals liver in the area; believe it or not our textbook was "what scat is that"!!!

Anonymous said...

I rummaged around in a mountain of poo and found this in l'encyclop├ędie de caca:

Processing coffee. The luwak - a tropical weasel found in Indonesia - loves to munch coffee beans, but plantation owners dont consider the animal a pest. As it picks only the ripest and best berries, gathering the luwak's leftovers is the quickest way to select the finest beans. After carefully choosing its berry, the luwak digests the juicy outer pulp and passes the whole bean with the rest of its excrement. All the workers have to do is harvest the beans from the droppings, wash and roast at 200 degreesC. Aficionados say the unique fermenting process the beans undergo in the luwak's stomach makes this the best tasting coffee in the world. And the most expensive! Kopi Luwak sells for US$660 per kg (or 12 times the price of non excreted green coffee)

Fascinating but I think I'll stick to my Illy beans.


Anonymous said...

Talk about timing for you, goddess. Come up to Sydney and you too can enjoy Kopi Luwak:

The most exclusive coffee in Sydney is Kopi Luwak, available at $50 a cup from Rob Forsyth's shop in Naremburn.

It is made in Indonesia from coffee beans that have been eaten and excreted (whole) by a possum-like marsupial called a luwak.

The 10-centimetre slabs are then dried, broken up, cleaned and roasted for a brew which is - apparently - exceptionally smooth.

Mr Forsyth said: "We do get people coming in to drink it but I think it's more because of the hype than the taste."


grocer said...

yes I just saw that too and was about to paste it in here.
here's the link!

Anonymous said...

Great thanks Grocer,
I meant to add the linky but hayfever brain made me forget.