Friday 3 August 2007

A heads up... What BBQ'ing REALY means

You know what gets up my goat?? (NO, not the one in My Big Fat Greek Oven).. The U.S centric nature of most food sites... Here's what I wrote in one, as a reaction to all the American "BBQ" posts:

Ok, this is a US-centric board, but I'm doing my damnedest to edjoo-micate youse guys that there is a WHOLE 'nother world out there.

Let's not even get into the whole "'Mericanization" of my wide brown land, ok.. Suffice it to say that myself, and plenty others like me are fighting tooth and nail to stop Straya becoming the newest State of the good Ole US of A.

BBQ to an Aussie means one thing. Dead animal over flames. It is the bastion of the male... A BBQ is NEVER a "BBQ", it is ALWAY a "barbie"

"Grab a 6-pack, bung the ball and chain in the Holden and come on over for a barbie..."

Pronounced Baaarbie.

It is NEVER a "Q"

People who use the barbie are not "Q'ers" or "Grillers" or "Smoke Barista's".. they're MEN.

It is NOT a "grill".. a grill is an appliance that usually sits above your oven, it has flames that come out top jets and it is good for searing curly-tailed lamb chops or browning crumpets...... INSIDE.

A Barbie is NOT a grill... but the wire rack you place portions of dead animals on can, sometimes be called the grill..

"Darl, do you want me to do these snags on the plate or on the grill?"

A barbie must have snags... and chops.

You can get all poncy and buy designer snags... beef and burgundy, chicken and leek... but a barbie isn't a barbie without some variety of snag.

Chops. Lamb Chops. Again, you can get all fancy with a marinade, but BBQ chops are de rigeur for an Aussie barbie.

See for what I mean.

Steak, caramelised onions,chicken shazliks, veggies done on the barbie are all good.. even burgers (they are NOT called patties, the actual lump of flattened meat is called the "burger")but it's not a barbie without snags and chops.

Barbies (the appliances) come in 2 varieties. Gas and Not Gas,

Gas barbies are directly related to the size of the male owners "wedding tackle". A man cannot hold his head up in public if all he has is a 2 burner patio barbie. These days, wok burners and ovens and other poncy bits of crud are being attatched to barbies. There is testosterone kudos for having these things on your barbie, but no self respecting Aussie man would ever actually USE them.

Not Gas barbies.. the original and considered by some, the best. Made from a dozen random house bricks and a bit of steel plate.

Thats it.

Gas barbies can have volcanic rocks laid across the burners, but never EVER "aromatics" or poncy crap like that. The flavour comes from years of rancid grease, built up and flamed off before any food is laid on. Flavour can come from marinades, but NEVER poofy "vine clippings".It is a well known Aussie fact that using "hickory smoked BBQ chips" causes your testicles to invert back up the inguinal canal.

Tru dat.

Non gas barbies use wood. You could sneak a bit of vine clippings in here, or maybe some applewood, but it's all good as long as you don;t tell yer mates that you've done it. It's wood, right? That's all

Meat. Must. Burn.


None of this "slow roasted and smoked" rot. THAT'S NOT BARBIE-ING!

And you have to drink while you Barbie.. beer or bourbon... and you have to poke the meat.. a lot. And you have to have mates to stand around with and talk.. about important things.. like "How many burner's you got, mate?" "You use the rotisserie much?", "wok burner, eh?? Ever Use it?"

And on no account must a man ever EVER comment on another man's barbie technique... No "you're poking the chops a bit much, aren't you, mate?" is sure grounds for a quick death-by-tongs.. and no court in our wide brown land would convict you.

So, next time "y'a'll" talk about BBQ, just remember that there are 20,434,176 (July 2007 est.) people in the world who don't think that smoking something for 3days and then slow braising it is "BBQ", they just think it's pretty damn silly.

We also think they way you spell programme is dumb, too.

**pg stands back and waits for the flaming to begin**

Yeah, yeah, flame for for the inherent sexism, the inherent okker-ism, I know... But if I go to one more bloody food board to see people debating Texas "Q" over Lousiana "Grill", I'm going to go postal.